Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Of Hillbillies and Blabbermouths...

Sometimes its best not to say what one is thinking within one's own head. I was reminded of this twice in the past week. Both times I regretted my utterances the moment they passed my lips. It all started when I was at an event that had a buffet brunch thingy at the former estate of Frank Sinatra here in Palm Springs. I made my way around the piano-shaped pool (yes you read that correctly, Old Blue Eyes had a pool in the shape of a grand piano). Anyway I made my way around the pool toward the buffet. It looked scrumptious. Or maybe I was just hungry. Well at any rate I shuffled along with my plate when suddenly I saw the largest salad I've ever seen. (see photo above left). Now if you look at that photo quickly, it doesn't look so big, but look at the hand of the person in front of me- extending a dinner size plate over the mega salad. It was big. I think I already explained that so I'll move on. Well thinking I was amusing, I looked at the mega salad in wonderment and feigned shock and awe. I looked at the woman charged with serving the mega salad (who was using a small back-hoe to scoop it out) and said to her: "Wow, that is one BIG salad! I don't think I've ever seen a salad that big before". The salad back-hoe operator looked at me, saying nothing. I continued: 'Well I must sound like some kind of hillbilly, never seen anything from the big city before". The woman bristled at my remark. I should have stopped there- it was bad enough. But no, of course it was too late, I had a bad case of the blabbers. Then I gave my best hillbilly impression (aka southerner) and in a somewhat condescending tone exclaimed: "Weyull now, ah've nev-errr seen no salad that beeyugg beee- forrree". While saying it, I modulated my high-pitched hillbilly voice up and down for an uneven pitch rhythm if you know what I mean. The salad back hoe operator glared at me- but before I could process her look it was time to shuffle down the line. As I stood at the next dish of something or other, I could hear her speaking in the distance to the person behind me. Perhaps you guessed it. The salad back-hoe operator was of course A SOUTHERNER with quite a heavy twang. I had obviously offended her with my stupid and insensitive impression. But the damage was done. Live and learn, right? Well maybe not. A few days later at a restaurant I encountered this:

Monster Mac & Cheese. The waiter at Trio warned me their Macaroni and Cheese dish was huuuuggggeeee. I ignored his advice and ordered it anyway, instead saying to the waiter in a rather gruff tone: "Ah c'mon, I'm no pansy, I can handle it". Our waiter, incidentally was seemingly gay, I could see he wasn't crazy about me using the pansy term. Perhaps he realized that I too am gay and he brushed off my remark and moved on. Later when the entrees were served, the Monster Mac & Cheese entree was presented to me. It was huge alright. I gasped at its size. Must have been a pound of pasta, as the dish was quite deep. Well as I stared at the Monster dish, I exclaimed loudly: "What kind of pig would eat this much food anyway?"And as said it I could sense a recoiling of the person at the table next to me. My peripheral vision picked up the couple seated adjacent and sure enough the rather large woman sitting next to me had the same Monster Mega Grande Mac & Cheese entree- but she had consumed nearly all of it. She had a horrified look on her face as I shriveled into a tiny ball at the table. It seems I did not learn from the Hillbilly salad remark to KEEP MY BIG MOUTH SHUT. Maybe now, after two infractions I will begin to practice the true art of discretion.
What about you, you ever made a fool of yourself twice in one week?
side note: my sincere apologies to any hillbilly blogger friends. I just love southern hospitality. And sweet potato pie. And sweet tea. And the Piggly Wiggly. ah, you get it.
-Rick Rockhill

14 comments:

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

ahhhh ree-ickkk. us'n hillbillies know we are hillbillies and we like it! ha ha ha

smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Sharon said...

Ah, a case of foot in mouth itis. It's actually quite common. My husband went to a client once who proudly showed off their new kitchen cabinets. My hubby, believing he is talented with construction, pointed out a large gap between the crown molding and ceiling, stating "You should tell that contractor what a lousy job he did". Upon seeing the blanched faces of his clients he rightly concluded that they had been their own contractors, and he had just told them they did a lousy job. So, as you see, you aren't alone when it comes to making...unfortunate statements. :)

kenju said...

I think I have done it more than twice, but one comes to mind. I was having lunch with 5-6 women and I told a story about a store I used to shop in my home town where every woman there was at least 50-60 pounds overweight (except me). I was aware that no one laughed much and then I remembered the woman at the end of the table was at lest 80 pounds overweight. I never thought of her that way - but it was as plain as the nose on my face. I wanted to curl up and die right there.

Jeni said...

Some days it seems I live only to open mouth and insert foot! Now, as to that mac'n'cheese order, I will have to make sure that neither Kurt nor Maya see that picture as they will be clamoring for mac'n'cheese -which to them should be on the house menu here daily! The meal du jour for them should stay with that one item -always!

grace said...

Oh Rick, you dang just crack me up! (Larry the cable guy voice) Oh geez, you were just kidding , do these people have no sense of humour, if I was the back hoe operator serving the food I would have just gone with it, I can see by how you write you was juz kiddin!!
the mac n cheese made me rofl. Just bad timing I suppose, but I agree, holy molies those are one darn big dishes to be consuming! (have to continue reading in a Larry the Cable Guy voice).

You always give me a smile!!
you know the ole saying ...hope this does not offend....*F* 'em if they can't take a joke?
I totally get it!!

xox

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Oh My, Yes! In fact twice on the same evening talking about the same person to two different people---BOTH, who turned out to be close friends of this person. Give me a hole in the floor to fall into and disappear, please....lol!

So, I empathize with you and THAT never happened again, ever, ever....It was 43 years ago: LESSON LEARNED! (lol)

lime said...

yikes!

well when i was living in the dorm at college i had my door open as i worked on a paper for a prof i thought was a completely overbearing ass. maintenance was doing some work in the hallway and a student worker with that group poked his head in the door and asked what i was grumbling about to myself. i began an epic rant about the damn fool prof i had to do this stupid paper for and included the prof's name. when i finally took a breath the guy nodded his head and said, "yeah, dad can be like that."

color me mortified.

Mags said...

So...I know that you were embarrassed but this cracks me right up. You always seem so cool and collected and to imagine you imitating a southern accent in that way in front of people is hysterical!!!

© Karelian Blonde said...

Over the years, just too many to mention *shaking my head*

I have a very irritating habit of trying desperately be funny in inappropriate circumstances.

I feel for you Mr Rockhill!

Rusty Irony said...

Ah, but Rick... Wouldn't life be much less interesting if people never said what they really wanted (or needed) to say. Decorum certainly has it's place but sometimes the "shock effect", even unintentional, can snap others back into reality, often when they need it the most. ;-)

BTW, I recently came across your site. I'm a former Palm Springs resident, back in Florida for a while with family stuff, hoping to get back to the desert (and reality) as soon as possible. (I've learned to order "sour tea") Also, I'm a Shiba Inu fanatic and miss my Shiba "somtin fearse". I wish she was here with me...

Cheryl said...

Thanks Rick for the laugh out loud moment over the Mac and Cheese. You're just too funny!

"Lois Grebowski" said...

you must've been channeling me. LOL! Lawsy, hon.... thatsa daily 'curance for me.

BGarmon said...

lol Rick you crack me up, your humility is refreshing :)

I've certainly had my foot in mouth moments. I think fortunately I am a good blusher so get some forbearance, teehee.

Being naturally terse and reflective I think that I do ok avoiding such moments... stalling to come up with an example of my foolishness...

Ahh got one... I was chatting with a gay friend and I said "I'm not sure why anyone would choose to be gay" or something to that effect.
Was mortified with myself as I know choice is a hot-button topic with many gays. My intent was just to say I find women irresistable, but it came out judgemental, doh.
Part of the thought process was based on polymorphous perverse theories.

So there you go, thats my sharing foot in mouth moment :)

Desert Songbird said...

I think we've all been there, and we'll continue to be there. We're human, after all. NO ONE can be perfect all the time.

But you come close. ;)

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