Thursday, December 13, 2007

Keep Your Gas To Yourself, Please

What is it about certain people who think they can pass gas in a crowded public place and think no one will notice? People in elevators, standing there, studying the movement of the elevator in silence, watching the sequence of floors pass by....suddenly decide to pass gas? What's that about? For example, I was recently at an event where a large group of people were walking through a narrow space, so it was much like a cattle call. Some fool decides to let one rip, but I must say it was rather clever. The noise of shuffling feet and idle chatter masked the sound (or at least made it unable to be traced to the source). But suddenly I saw people ahead of me turning their heads with a look of disgust. Then as I walked forward, and into the noxious gas and was subjected to the human fumes of horror, I too squinted and put my face into my sleeve to minimize the chance of inhaling any further vile emissions.

I went to the theatre recently, a guy stood up and stepped out of the row of seats and into the aisle. He proceeded to fart, then immediately walked back into the row to his seat. Unfortunately he didn't wait for it to dissipate, so he left a trail of baneful effluvium in his wake. Ugh! And finally, I was on airport shuttle bus recently, sitting patiently, reading e-mails on my Blackberry when all of a sudden I hear a long, rippled,vibrating sound emanating from the front of the bus. I thought to myself, "no it CAN'T be!" My fears of social indiscretion were confirmed when the bus driver started chuckling and said aloud: "Wow, that was a good one huh?" I moved swiftly to the back of the bus looking for an escape route through the opening on the roof of the bus. So my proposal is to establish "no farting zones". We can easily install signs such as this one above to make it easy for people who lack social grace and manners. perhaps I'll write a letter to my Congresswoman. Or better yet, to all the Presidential hopefuls, since that's about the level of importance their debates seem to be focused on anyway.
-Rick Rockhill

19 comments:

Emperor Ropi said...

keeping gases inside is bad for your body. it was know even in the ancient cultures

Ben Wu said...

He got up in front of a crowded theater to break wind??? No way....at least walk out and pretend you're going to get more popcorn.

Sheila said...

PSS,
Good luck with your crusade. Most people cannot control this unfortunate event.

Beth said...

I need one of those signs around here. Three boys - they all think it's a healthy thing to do. And that's one thing I did not teach them!

zen wizard said...

Two words: Beano®.

(Well, that's ONE WORD. But it just sounds more macho when you say, "Two words.")

Maybe I am just being paranoid, but the last time I was at Hartsfield I could swear the announcer said, "Flight 623 will be delayed while we wait for the obligatory old guy who rips silent farts all the way to San Francisco and sits next to Zen Wizard arrives..."

I hope someday I can afford 1st Class--is it just me, or do the other people's farts smell better beyond the black curtain??

Ms. Tuesday said...

"trail of baneful effluvium"
- Are these the SAT Words of the Day? =)

I moved swiftly to the back of the bus looking for an escape route through the opening on the roof of the bus.
-lol! funny mental image!

Saboma said...

As sophisticated as we pride ourselves in, there is always that particular moment of clarity, isn't there?

Special Kodak moments like the one posted about sure keeps me humbled, I tell ya.

I am experiencing some very toxic folks visiting my place, moreover, they're taking whatever it is that I've posted about [insert anything here] personally, then bashing me because of their own twisted perceptions of what I've actually posted. Go figger!
Not one post is related to any particular person [especially anyone I personally know or interact with online], mind you. I can only assume that whichever shoe they chose to try on is a tight one. And instead of taking it off and trying one one that fits well, I am labeled 'bitch, wench;' and whatever else by the same.

Like a bad case of gas, this too shall pass, I hope.

Olivia said...

Yeah, he should have stood in the aisle and waved it away! LOL.

In church, everything is funnier than it should be. So a few years ago, we heard someone let it rip...slow, because they thought they were being discreet...during the sermon...my mother and I sat there with our shoulders shaking, stifling the silent laughter till our eyes watered - it just gets worse until you let it out. Hah, same could be said for farts, I guess...

Palm Springs Savant said...

Olivia- that is hilrious! I can just picture you and your mom giggling in church!

Ms Tuesdsay- thanks, I was trying to demonstrate that even though I was writing about a juvenile topic, I cold write like a grown up~

Palm Springs Savant said...

beth- i'm guessing your boys think its the best thing they can do to amuse themselves...and why not, its free!

zen wizard- I assure you, first class farts are just as bad...

Mags said...

Oh ya-I'm with ya on this one. Luckily I don't have many stories but I do know of someone who passed by another person in the theater (to go to the bathroom) and passed gas right in the strangers face. She was mortified, of course and it was worse when she went back to her seat the man she "peeped' on said, "You aren't going to fart in my face again, are you?"

I would have died. Scratch that-I wouldn't have gone back to my seat!!!

eric1313 said...

No Farting Zones...

This would be funny to see enforced on Cops.

Nice blog, sir. Thanks for the visit to mine, as well.

Might as well tell my tell of vaporous horror...

In the checkout line at the grocery store. Trapped in one of those narrow aisles, a volcano sized lady at the register erupted. Now I was a customer and cart away from her, but it was like a week old baby diaper bin that needed. The woman in front of me and right behind her actually pulled her shirt up gas mask style.

I called it the Wal Mart massacre.

Palm Springs Savant said...

Mags- that is hilarious! I don't know if I would have gone back to my seat either!

Eric- the "walmart massacre" story is a good one. yikes!

nikki said...

Sometimes you just gotta fart. Granted I try to teach my boys to at least try to leave the room beforehand instead of subjecting us to the stench.

My Husband Calls Me Weird

WAT said...

My co-worker can't keep her sphincter tight enuff anymore and lets them rip all the time in our office.

I guess her medical problems and old age are to blame, but I still find the chemical terrorist fartbox quite annoying.

THE LONDON FARTHARMONIC ORCHESTRA MAN!

Sassy Lucy said...

Good luck making it happen....my husband is a public noxious nuisance..but he tries to be discreet, and he wanrs me to get upwind....love isn't it?
I cannot believe the one in the theater though, that is just tacky.

Lewis said...

Oooohhhh....so NOT funny. Not humorous. None of the above. I should tell you, however, that the horse I rode in Hawaii a few months back had the worse case of HORSEY GAS ever!

Palm Springs Savant said...

Lewis- LOL, believe me, I do understand! :-)

Canadian flake said...

ok is it wrong of me to mention that just visualizing all this was enough to almost make me choke??LOL

Thanks for the giggles.

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